| Quick aside |
[29 Jan 2004|12:05am] |
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You can put a price on anything, be it in money, time, energy, effort, emotion, blood, sweat, tears, commitment, sentiment, anything. Sometimes it's just a bit awkward to find out exactly how much you're worth (mostly when you discover it's not much).
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[13 Feb 2003|11:22pm] |
I started putting up another blog on the OCF webserver today. It's at http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~aoshi/blog
It's been a long two weeks. Update to come as soon as I can muster up the energy.
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[01 Feb 2003|01:53am] |
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VNV Nation - Holding On |
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I haven't written an angry post in a rather long time. I wonder if I'm missing out on something. I could be using generic terms that make it seem like I'm writing at once to nobody and everybody and leads everyone to think "is that me they're talking about? Gosh I hope that's me they're talking about even though it's a bad thing because it'd be neat to have someone mention me in their entries."
Which then leads me to this funny thought on rape I get from time to time (it doesn't have to do with actually raping someone though, because then it wouldn't quite be so funny). I imagine I've said it before, but just in case it's been forgotten, I think it's rather funny when someone thinks some random guy they see on the street is going to rape them (or, if you want a nicer way to put it, "that guy's checking me out" or "he's undressing me with his eyes," etc. etc.) Now while there are a good number of times I can't really tell if a girl's thinking that or not, at other times it's glaringly obvious.
All I can say to that is "I'm sorry, but please don't flatter yourself like that. It's unbecoming."
Then there's another thought that's been floating around in my head for a while now. There are some people I know who will refer to other folks in rather derogatory ways from time to time (not caustically so, but still in a rather unfriendly way). Take for example this one girl I know (oooh is it you is it you?). She was telling me about some guys who were after her, and that in itself is fine and well, but the way she put it made them all sound like undesirable creatures. It's that sort of "*sigh* another guy who wants me, ho hum" sort of feeling, that trivializing tone that makes me wonder from time to time: does she speak of me in that way when she talks to other people? Granted I'm not on that list of guys who are after her, but when she'll refer to ex'es and other friends in that way I can't help but wonder whether or not I'm also referred to in that some way. And sure, I'll laugh along with her when she's making a crack at one of them, but that doesn't mean there isn't the thought in the back of my head that next time she could be laughing with someone else at some crack she's made against me.
I imagine there are some people who might say that this particular thought stems from some sort of insecurity, but I'd argue instead that it's more a questioning of the integrity of someone else than a particular insecurity issue with me. Thinking to yourself "Oh s/he can't possibly be making fun of me when s/he's with other people even though s/he's making it blindingly clear that s/he doesn't mind doing it to other people" seems to me to be nothing more than a case of denial.
At this point there might be a few people who are thinking "is he talking about me?" because there are a number of people I know who could fit this description (or maybe I'm talking about some ethereal prototype of a person). Of course, that's assuming said people are actually reading this (which, as I understand, doesn't seem to happen too too much). Anyways, the point isn't to say whether it's right or wrong, but rather simply to point out my perspective on the issue, so don't get all flustered and insulted.
Mostly I'm just tired of constantly thinking to myself "sure it seems okay when you say that to me now, but who knows what you're saying about me to other people."
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[28 Jan 2003|11:17pm] |
There sure are some curious things that go on in the world. Take for example these classified ads I was reading during my (boring) EE20 course. My friend Mai and I tend to sit around during that class zoning out, so I borrowed her paper and was reading through the little boxes seeing what sort of odd and curious jobs were abound. There were some clerical things, a bartender here, a hostess there, and that's all good and well. A few adult photoshoot htings here and there too, but that's not too interesting.
What was interesting, however, was seeing someone willing to pay $20,000 to an egg donor.
Of course, not just any egg donor. That's just way too easy. They had specifications for race, height, beauty (one of them said to send a photo), SAT score (hahaha the person wanted an Asian egg donor with a 1500+ SAT and a high GPA), medical history, so on so forth. Now that's all fine and well as far as requirements go, but wow, $20,000? Now that's easy money. If I was a girl I'd say put me on the operating table and take an egg, I'm going to make me some money. Just imagine giving away an egg/month for a year. $240,000 right there! My god! It wasn't like there was just one ad or anything, there were around four or five, all of them paying $10,000-$20,000.
Now somewhere in there was an ad from some sperm bank trying to get guys to donate some sperm. And this made things even more interesting.
The sperm bank was willing to pay $50/batch. Now when you think about it, there's bound to be some sort of irregularity among eggs, and there's bound to be some sort of irregularity among sperm cells. Eggs you have a small, limited number of. Sperm you have zounds of. If you're buying one egg cell, it might turn out to be a really crappy one. If you buy a batch of sperm cells, you know at least one of them's got to be good. Hell it's like buy one get a couple million free. It makes more sense to me to charge more for the sperm, because you're getting a hell of a lot more sperm, and with it, a higher chance that you'll get a good one. Sure, you could have your own set of conditions too to make it interesting, but that doesn't change the concept of it at all.
There sure are some strange going ons in this world.
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[25 Jan 2003|07:18pm] |
There are some things in life that remind me that there is still some good in people. Today, I received an email from this acquaintance:
Hi Randy,
You've been nice enough to increase my print quota all the time last semester. Thank you for putting up with a pest. I am beginning to value the people outside of Haas a lot more. They're more genuine. =-) Just to let you know, I plan on teaching English in China for a year following my graduation. It'd be a great challenge adapting to another culture. My journey starts June where I'd stop by Hong Kong and then travel north to Beijing. If you want me to send you postcards, you can e-mail me your address. Let me know if you want some stuff in China. I heard they're really cheap. =-) I am excited about the journey ahead.
One semester and counting before take off......
XXXXXXXXXX
-----------------------------------------
As a bit of a side note, Haas is the school of business here. It's good to know that there's someone who can come out of there and still be a good person.
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[24 Jan 2003|06:31pm] |
Let's all post song lyrics on our journals because
1) We're not creative/industrious enough to come up with our own lines, and
2) Nobody cares enough to read it unless they can recognize the song...in which case they don't read it anyways
"You're pretty when I'm drunk" (Bloodhound Gang, "You're Pretty When I'm Drunk")
Oh yes. Feel my apathy. Feel that burn.
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[21 Jan 2003|12:35am] |
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L'Arc~en~Ciel - Kasou |
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I'm not quite sure when it started, but I've found that there's something about friends giving me things that really gets to me. It's not that I'm angry about it, it's just that sometimes I'd rather if they didn't spend money on buying me things. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to be an ingrate. I appreciate everything friends have bought for me before and hold them dear to me. Whether or not it has any practical value is completely besides the point, because it came from a friend; and that makes it priceless to me. But I sometimes wish they wouldn't get me anything. Especially the gifts that are bought just because, and not for any particular occasion.
There's a specific case that comes to mind when I'm thinking about all this.
A dear friend of mine and I once passed by this shop that sold glass trinkets and other assorted goodies. We were browsing their goods when I happened by some stirrers and thought aloud "hey that's neat, they have stirrers in the shape of black roses." I didn't think anything of the comment, though, and thought it would simply fade into that airy ether that uncaught thoughts go (next to the place where a dream deferred goes).
But such was not the fate of this particular thought.
This friend of mine decided to buy me that stirrer and a shotglass later in the evening when we passed by the shop again. I remember thinking to myself when she gave me the box "please tell me this isn't happening please tell me this isn't what I think it is." But I'm sure you know how it goes. It's always what you fear the most. All I could do was say "Thank you," and accept.
But that doesn't stop me from feeling terrible about it.
It's a combination of things, I suppose. There's the usual "I feel indebted to them" thought, but that's not that big of a deal to me. What it really is is thinking that I don't deserve their gift. There's nothing that I've done for them that could be worth their trouble of giving me a gift. Maybe it stems from a fundamental lack of self worth. Regardless, it leaves me feeling like I'm in a rather awkward position. Giving them a gift in return won't absolve me, because then I'll see their pure and good intent next to my sophomoric attempt to ease my conscience and see how selfless their act is versus how selfcentered mine is. I could try to be the best sort of friend to them that I can, but what good is that when it's what I should be doing to begin with?
It's like this rose made from a red hershey's kiss and some green tape I received from a friend in my ochem class two years ago for Christmas. She wasn't a particularly close friend, so I hadn't prepared anything for her. When she gave it to me, I couldn't help but feel like I was the most rotten person on the face of the planet. It's sitting in my room now, on the corner of my desk back at home. It's the sort of memory that's been etched into my mind, marking down every detail of her face as she said "Merry Christmas," the way she moved, the sound of her voice. It makes me sad to remember her.
I don't really want any gifts from friends. What I really enjoy, though, are cards. The sort that you can put away in a box, only to stumble upon it once more some day in the future. Then you can take it out, read it again, and remember. Moments of your life locked away in imperfectly penned words that mark so perfectly the feelings of the time. All I really want for friends and loved ones is for them to try and be happy. That's all, really. I've no need for material gifts; I have what I need to live. Just a little time spent with them from time to time, a smile and a laugh will do.
The memories I'm given in spending time together with friends are all the gifts I need.
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[20 Jan 2003|12:37pm] |
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TLC - Diggin' On You |
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....and with a wisk and a wisp it's back to Berkeley!
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[18 Jan 2003|03:14pm] |
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Tatu - 30 Minutes |
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There's something I've lost in my life. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I can feel it missing. It's not the sort of thing that you might feel missing after seeing other people who have it. It's something that I can look back on my past self and say "There, at that moment. I had it. Everything came together in a beautiful harmony."
But now it seems I've lost touch with it. ***
I was once posed the question "Why don't you think religion gives meaning to life?" It was in the setting of a philosophy course when I was presenting a paper I had written when I had argued for the view that life itself gives meaning to life, and against religion giving meaning to life. My response at the time was to say that first I had a natural disdain for structured religious beliefs, e.g. Judaeo-Christian belief structures, and second because the argument where life gives itself meaning is more encompassing, where having religion give life meaning can be one way in which life gives itself meaning.
But now that some time's passed and I've gotten a bit older, my answer's become more complicated than that.
There have been times when I've thought to myself "How simple it would be to simply give up and tell myself that what happens is God's will, that I will live my life in this way because God says I should, that I will go to church and hang out with church friends and feel at one with God, the church, and my religion." It's not difficult to see why a good number of people find themselves drawn to a religion. It makes perfect sense, really. Here is someone/something telling you what you should do, how you should live, what's moral and what's immoral, what will happen when you die, what sort of person is good for you, and everything else you could want to know about what your life entails. Choose your religion, it's all there. Believe in purgatory, believe in heaven and hell, believe in reincarnation, believe in dust and decay; whatever you should believe is laid out for you. If you've a question, pick up your Bible, take your Koran, read your Sutras.
But all the rules, all the writings, all the philosophy can't say to me when I've fallen "Come, rest your head upon my shoulder until you feel better, and then we can try again."
All the religions in the world can't offer me that oneness with the universe when I'm simply resting underneath the shade of a tree on a warm summer's day.
All the preachers, all the monks, all the rabbis of the world can't provide me with peace and solace as I lay myself to sleep each night.
But all it takes is for me to find that one person that I can feel at peace with, to come once more to an understanding with the world with, and spend the passage of my days with to find some meaning once more in my existence.
I look around about me and see that when people are moved to action to do well and make something of their lives it's almost always because of people. Fight cancer to save your fellow person, donate money to help needy people, push yourself above and beyond your limits so you can have something to show the people who've always stood by your side.
Maybe what I've lost, then, is that connection with someone, the sort where there's no question about who's going to be on the same team, when there's no need for questions because you know that they'll say they'll be there to support you.
That sort of person that shows you that there's still some good left in the world.
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[15 Jan 2003|09:06pm] |
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VNV Nation - Saviour |
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It's been a good long time since I last wrote an entry, which sharply contrasts from the time when I first started keeping a journal of my thoughts when I wrote in it most every day. But then that's how it 'most always goes. Now then, moving on to recent events...
It seems that my memory is just about as bad as ever. On a given day I'll sit around for a moment and think to myself, "Now what did I do yesterday? Hmm..." and draw a complete blank. Likewise for the preceding week. Now on some other occasions I'll be able to piece together some semblance of activities based on their connections with the current situation. For example, last week I ran into some parental conflicts when I decided to sleep elsewhere for the night without calling, which I should have done. That led to me doing nothing on Tuesday trying to keep a low profile, followed by some other events I can hardly recall now on Wednesday and Thursday, followed by another hazy Friday I don't remember much of, and then some hanging out on Saturday and Sunday. So you see what I mean when I say I can't remember what I do with my time anymore. I'm not sure if this is just another by product of being on winter break still, or if it's because my memory's just crap. Probably a bit of both.
In any event, it won't be long now (just until Monday) before I head back to school and get back into the grind of every day existence. New class schedule, new work schedule, and new other some such to get used to. I'm told my room got trashed by my sublettee, which isn't particularly pleasing to know (also since I haven't received my keys back from her yet, hmm...) I suppose I should be in a bigger hissy fit than I am right now, but curiously, I feel alright. Maybe I'll be angry when I get back and see for myself what my room's status is like. It was about time to steam vac the place anyways, who knows what sort of shadiness happened there. So long as my sheets alright. May the gods help that girl if my sheets are dirtied, for I will strike her down with a holy vengeance the likes of which would make Jesse Jackson shit his pants (if it wasn't for his extramarital affairs, anyways).
Now then, drama issues. Particularly, the lack thereof at the moment. Sort of. After some misunderstandings with Lisa a few nights ago, I think we managed to patch things together a bit. It's a good thing to know, because she's a good friend who has a wayw of writing that's absolutely fascinating. Rachel's drama seems to be dying down as well, which I'm sure is pleasant news to all involved. Which means...I've run out of drama. But that's all good and well, I was getting a bit tired of having too much to deal with.
Now then, closing another fluff and nonsense post with no real thought involving content whatsoever, until next time, good night.
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| (Almost) a week at the temple; 12/28-1/1 |
[02 Jan 2003|08:30pm] |
On the 28th, my parents decided to ship my brothers and me off to a five day conference of sorts at this temple of theirs.
Daily routine consisted of waking up around 6am and getting to bed around 2am. Not a great way to be spending winter break, if you ask me. Food wasn't particularly attractive either, being nothing but vegetables, but at least they're good for you (though they don't stay in the stomach very long). It seems to have helped me thin out a bit too, which is really nifty. Maybe I should give up on eating meat and thin out a bit more.
In any event, there were a number of interesting things happening at the temple.
For one thing, I met a number of people from all sorts of places around the world, from South Africa to Australia to the UK, Japan, France (who spoke French in a really nifty way that was all sorts of fun to listen to), Brazil, the Philippines, Taiwan, Canada, random parts of the US (Oklahoma, Texas, and New York come to mind offhand), and probably a number of other places I can't recall offhand. One of the guys from Taiwan was this guy who taught people how to dance (a number of his students came with him), and as it turns out he and a friend helped develop the music for the Elven race in Warcraft III, and he also choreographed some (all? A bit of a language barrier here) of Coco Lee's music videos. He was showing me a technique he called "popping" which seemed simple enough movement by movement, but looked complicated as hell when he mixed it up into dance movements.
I'm not too sure what else to say about the trip. It was one of those times where each moment doesn't feel all that important (e.g. when I was sleeping through almost everybody's lectures and speeches, spending each day waiting for lunch, then breaks, then dinner, then sleep) but at the end you can't help but look back and think "now that was an experience." What stays in my memory best is the feeling of everyone doing their best to get along with one another, working together to get over language barriers and come to an understanding each other. Nobody argued or fought, just went from event to event having as good of a time as they could. On the last day, there was a prayer for the new year from a few people from different religions. I can hardly recall anymore what the religions were exactly, but I have memories of someone from a Christian church, a Muslim person, perhaps a Jewish person, and someone from Tibet, along with the standard Buddhist person from the temple itself. It was a good feeling, seeing people from different religions listening respectfully to one another's prayers, giving their own, and generally getting along. Shortly following that was a closing when we said our farewells to everyone, with people rushing back and forth to get pictures with other folks they had met over the past few days. Despite the lack of sleep, lack of hot water in the showers, people getting sick left and right, and all the other madness that comes with running a large international conference, everyone was still in high spirits trying to collect little bits of memory on film.
Somewhere in the midst of all the madness was the little New Year's chilling deal done at a hotel, courtesy of Ria and Shannon's planning. Though there was a bit of out of line behavior (though it's been apologized for so it's okay), it was mostly a nice gathering of folks who could hang around in their little pockets of friends and relax. We must do this again next year (and maybe again some other time just for kicks and giggles. If only someone had an apartment close by!).
My sense of time has been entirely destroyed by this past few week. I can't tell what day of week it is or what day it is. But it's winter break. And that makes it all alright. Now one by one friends are going to be heading back to college to get back in the rat race and make a little niche in this world for themselves. Thus closes another year of good times, bad times, strange times, tumultuous times, stable times, lucid times, ethereal times; each moment a lifetime unto itself.
All in all, I have to say it's been a good year.
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[02 Jan 2003|05:53pm] |
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I'm back, update later.
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[23 Dec 2002|02:40am] |
Time comes, time goes, and I can't help but wonder if I've managed to get anywhere in these past few years.
It seems like hardly a grain of sand has hit the old hourglass and already it's been three years. The first time I put down a journal entry online was after Chester had shown me the one he had put up. By no means was it a new idea; I remember seeing an online journal sometime around eighth grade or so, but that was some random person I had no interest in. After seeing Ches', I decided to put one up for myself, under the old blogspot site. Sometime later, I ended up switching over to livejournal because I thought the commenting thing (I had no idea you could implement comments under blogspot at the time) and the friends view was pretty nifty. I spent some time moving my old entries over, and now here we are. From junior year in high school to sophomore year in college.
And I can't help but ask myself, what's changed?
I've gotten a little bigger, but have I matured?
The hair's gotten a little longer and it's color's changed, but have I gotten any older?
Ears are pierced and I have contacts instead of glasses now, but do I listen more closely? Do I see more clearly?
Sometimes I look at where I am now, and I can't help but wonder if I've taken a step backward. Hell maybe I've been running backward for a while now and haven't even been aware of it. I'm always talking about improving, about doing better, about getting somewhere, but the question remains: Have I gotten anywhere?
I don't feel like a better person. If anything, I feel like I've become a worse person than who I was a few years ago.
I've a million and one thoughts going through my mind now, but it seems the one that's hanging around nearest the top is how different it feels between hanging with old friends from high school and hanging around with Shannon, Erica, Ria, and co. I saw Mike two days ago when he came by to chill for an hour or so. He seems to have developed a thing for time management, which really showed through when he commented that he shouldn't stay for too long because then it'd just be wasting time. But that's all good, he values his time. One of the sadder ways to go would be not giving a damn how your life is led, not caring where it's going or where it's been. In a life like that one might as well be a puppet, devoid of will, because that's all not caring is doing, killing the will. Regardless, it felt totally natural hanging around with him again. Nothing had to be forced, no awkward silences, nothing. When he said something, it made an intuitive sense to me, and it seemed like he understood what I was saying on an intuitive level when I said anything. I saw Vivian today, and it felt the same way, albeit to a lesser degree. Everything felt right, like nothing had changed. I saw Bryan and Tina today, and it was just like all the old times I had seen them. Absolutely nothing changed. Granted we all got a little older, but really nothing changed. Everything felt right on an intuitive level. When I start a sentence, they know how it's going to end. When they say things, it makes perfect sense. Things aren't childish or pretentious. It doesn't seem to have too much to do with extended exposure either, because I remember feeling the same way when I went out with my Japanese tutor (Manami) and another guy who goes to tutorial sessions (John). He started a sentence, and I could end it, and vice versa. It all fit perfectly. Maybe it's an age thing. Bryan and Tina are both older than me, and likewise so were my Japanese tutor and John. But then that wouldn't quite fit the picture because Mike's not older than me. Maybe I'll just cop out and say it's a personality thing. It's easy to blame everything on personality. You didn't choose your personality, you can blame damn near everything. Blame your parents. Blame your environment. Blame the media. Blame genetically engineered food. Blame the easter bunny. Hell it's about Christmas, blame Santa Claus.
All I want this Christmas is to be with good friends that I can feel connected to who can understand what I say without having me explain it a thousand times over.
The funny thing is, the first journal entry I wrote three years ago was about being understood. Three years, and nothing changes. We just get older, the hair changes, the clothes change, and we get a bit more wrinkly. Everything else stays the same...
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[20 Dec 2002|10:51pm] |
*does the "holy shit I got a high enough GPA to maintain EAP eligibility" dance*
I wonder if my parents will buy me a car...
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[20 Dec 2002|01:29am] |
I've been back for nearly a week now, and it's been interesting, to say the least. I've been out until wee hours of the night almost every day, which causes a few problems in and of itself (but that's rather beside the point). I've had a chance to visit some teachers, see some old friends, and generally kick around the old place doing a bit of nothing (though I have managed to force myself to do some coding in Java and learn the language so I don't totally die next semester). Still haven't learned enough to do my implementation of Set, but by the end of this break, I should (ideally) have that done.
A few days ago I went to hang out with Jenn, an old friend I hadn't seen for something to the tune of a year and a half, two years. Ages. It was one of those really nifty times when you can be with a friend you haven't seen in a long time and pick up right where you left off, without a moment of awkwardness or uncertainty. It begins to make me feel my age, though, when I can sit back and think "Wow, I haven't seen this person in 2, 3 years, and nothing has changed." Good grief, two or three years. Doesn't sound like too much at first, but when you take it in the perspective that that's about 1/6 of my life, that's quite a bit of time. If you throw out the first five years or so that don't seem to have much of an influence then it quickly gets close to 1/4 of my life. Egads!
To change the subject suddenly, I'm finding feeling more and more out-of-body-ish lately. The moments when it doesn't feel like I'm really alive and I'm just watching my existence go by seem to be becoming more episodic. If I were Fichte I might say this is a good thing...but I'm not Fichte. Curiousness...
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[13 Dec 2002|10:50pm] |
The following is taken from http://www.intellectualwhores.com/ladderintro.html which was in turn taken from Mike's journal:
Cuddle Bitches
cuddle bitch(n) - a guy who never gets to sleep with a girl but gets to have intimate moments with her like cuddling, spooning, or otherwise being affectionate. Usually this will occur in private. She probably considers him a really sweet guy, which is the kiss of death.
First off, cuddle bitches are bad, bad things to be. Maybe the worst thing to be. I mean, being an Intellectual Whore is bad, but being an Intellectual Whore who has to endure blue-balls is bordering on criminal.
As to how it fits into the framework of the ladder.
Basically this is just a guy who has a very high position on the friends ladder. So far up the friends ladder that he gets the dubious honor of getting to provide all the intimacy that a girl is missing when she's off fucking guys who basically don't care about her like outlaw bikers and band members. So he gets to be the proxy father/confessor/friend/teddy bear for her, depending on what she is missing at the time. Perhaps the only consolation of this is a ladder jump to the real ladder seems statistically a little more likely to succeed. Of course, when one is that high up the fall is dreadful indeed....
How do we know this? Well, if a woman had a nice loving boyfriend then he would be doing all the cuddling and whatnot and likely wouldn't stand for a woman maintaining a stable of cuddle bitches. Unless he's completelty pussified, in which case she's likely fucking some other people anyway.
For guys unacquainted with Ladder Theory, it is even worse. The cuddle bitch often thinks he is on the good ladder as opposed to the real ladder. So he gets all excited about his position instead of realizing he is being completely used. So this poor tool is really setting himself up for a fall at that point.
Note: This does not apply if cuddling under the influence of mushrooms, for the express purposes of avoiding hypothermia, or if the woman is a whore that you've recently paid for sex. Cuddling is perfectly acceptable and probably non-sexual in these circumstances.
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That sounds curiously like my life.
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[11 Dec 2002|09:19pm] |
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Funker Vogt - Tragic Hero (Apoptygma Berzerk Mix) |
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Stolen from my roommate last year, James' profile:
how to be black
-don't smile in pictures
-wear fubu
-only make friends with blacks/latinos/asians/eminem
-eat fried chicken
-say, "fo sho, no doubt, keepin' it real" for no reason
-pretend asses are more important that tits
-demand reparations
-play sports
-have a big penis
-steal
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[09 Dec 2002|11:04pm] |
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Unknown Artist - until 2002 |
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There are fetishes for everyone.
Foot fetishes
Hand fetishes
Eye fetishes
Ass fetishes
Geek fetishes
Macho man fetishes
S&M fetishes
Bondage fetishes
Skinny white dude fetishes
But what I really need is a girl with an ugly fetish.
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akukami's journal